Rocktober, Free-Fall, and our Triumphant Return

Appalachia's Best Mullets wishes to apologize for its long hiatus. We're back, and ready to finish out the rest of Rocktober with all new samples of the bitchinest mullets east of the Mississippi. We missed you too.

During our sabbatical, the economic downturn of the past few years turned into an all out free-fall. Hard times have befallen many of us, and lots of people are scratching their heads thinking, "How can I cut costs?" Often, professional hair care and expensive entertainment are the first items to be slashed from a family's budget. For our friends who do business up front and party in the back, these aren't sacrifices, they are a way of life. Can't afford an entire haircut? OK, then just have them take a little off the front. It has to be cheaper that way, right? Looking for cheap entertainment? Grab your camera and head to one of the huge number of fall festivals throughout Appalachia. Rather than become mired in depression about economic freefall, ponder instead what you can do for free this fall.

One intrepid on-site reporter frolicked at the Forest Festival in Elkins, WV recently. See for yourself what kind of good times can be had.

A Mullet for All Seasons
With his flexible wardrobe (including Jorts! Bonus!) and multi-length hair, accessorized by one bottled beverage and one bottle in which to reposit spittle from his smokeless tobacco, the Mullet for All Seasons is ready for anything...anything that could happen at the Forest Festival anyway.


a Twofer
These guys eat together, travel together, hunt together, and I bet anything they'll vote together for Sarah Palin.



The Mood Elevator
No seasonal affective disorder or economic woes for this gal! If hair that soars this close to Jesus doesn't elevate your spirits, at least the fumes from all that AquaNet will getcha a double-super-buzz. Amen sister and pass the pumpkin butter!

ahhhhh. It's good to be back.

On the rare occasion that a muskrat embarks on the journey from riverbank to city street, it requires a nest in a shaded area into which it can retreat from urban dangers such as vehicles and barbers. This muskrat tends its nest on the shady side of Court Street, spotted despite its reticent nature and attempted camouflage. Dedicated hunters and casual observers alike know there is no mistaking the long, thick tail on that broad body. We were careful not to disturb it in capturing this photograph, as they are known to bite when cornered.

The Mossy Bonsai

Cowabunga, Dude. Not since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has Asian culture been privy to this magnitude of bastardization:


OK, so maybe Hibachi isn't the pinnacle of Asian culture. Maybe a Mossy Oak camo hat is the perfect acoutrement for an evening of fine dining entertainment with friends...only in Appalachia I suppose. Or maybe this particular hair/hat combination embraces a sense of diversity and cultural fusion. This "party in the back" covers a strong, yet pale neck (soon to bloom red in the summer sun) like Spanish moss covers a southern magnolia tree. Like the mighty bonsai, it must be trimmed, trained, and constrained with the cap, so as to grow stronger.

How's that for your moment of Zen?

The Myrtl-Let: A Mullet Vacation

Ah, the beach. The sun, the sand, the salty breezes...and the perfect beach haircut.
We had to research the proper genus and species for this one. Dano provided the following help:

Found primarily along the southeastern United States shoreline during winter months, the Myrtl-let is almost always found mated to a Gargantu-let, preens constantly in velour jump-suits, and will become belligerent and violent after cocktail-umbrella drinks.

This particular Myrtl-Let was sighted in Florida. Their migratory patterns depend largely on their state of origin; for example the West Virginia Myrtl-Let rarely, if ever, travels further south than the beach which gives the species its name. Strangely your northernmost Myrtl-Lets are the ones that typically end up in Florida.

The Myrtl-Let, like the very tides of the oceans, is ever-changing in texture, length, form, thickness, and overall mood. We like this combination of long bangs, long wisps in the back, with the utilitarian near-buzz cut in between. Fickle as the sand and salt spray, no beach vacation is complete without the Myrtl-Let.

Special thanks to JDF, Jr. for photo editing and to ABJ, who is in no way related to the Myrtl-Let, for the picture.

Oh, and if you were wondering? From our little test up there?

Which Umbrella Drink Are You?

My Result: Relaxed Rum Runner

Taking it easy — that's how you prefer to handle whatever comes your way. Like a cool, blended rum runner, you like to keep a delicate balance between the sweet and sour things in life. Calm and collected, you're up for anything your friends throw your way, from joining a book club or taking an art class to trying every cocktail in your cookbook.

Bottom line — you're a laid-back soul who likes to stay connected with her friends and have a good time. Whenever the girls join forces — whether you're gabbing over pedicures or painting the town red — people count on you to hold the group together with your carefree and irresistible sense of fun. Stay cool!

What are you? http://web.tickle.com/rd/50651/tests/umbrelladrink/index.jsp?testname=umbrelladrinkogt&resultid=A

The Resolution

We've been away, and we hear we've been missed a little. Several holiday celebrations and a Fiesta Bowl trip later, we return to bring you The Resolution, or the Horizon E700.

Many of our friends are getting healthier in 2008. For D, this meant purchasing a Horizon Elliptical Machine, Model No. E700. Guess who sold it to him.

If D's New Year's resolution to shed some pounds is in any way as firm and infallible as The Resolution pictured above, he's going to end up quite svelte. Note the smooth, almost elliptical outline on the top and the precision with which the longer layers in the back just barely caress the trapezius muscles.

Thanks D and good luck to all you resolvers. We resolve to post more.

Heroes, Pt. II - The Matherson

Yes Cody, you can borrow a feelin' anytime you want. You can also borrow my blowdryer. Hell, if you crashed on my couch one Saturday night in an Old Milwaukee haze, I'd even find an old t-shirt to cut the sleeves off and send you home in.

Does anyone have this album? Anywhere?

Cody is another reason I wish heartily that VH1 still answered the obvious question with their show "Where Are They Now?"

We salute you and your mullet Cody, wherever you are.

gone Krogering

If you can't read the yellow sign, the Kroger Plus price on popsicles was 2 boxes for $2.50. There are four (4) boxes in the grocery basket carried by the femmullet above. And off she went to gather up more bargains in the frozen foods section.

Heroes

Once, Mr. T joined forces with Chuck Norris to fight crime. All criminals in the known universe were instantly vaporized by the sheer awesomeness of their Mohawk/Mullet combination. Afterwards, Mr. T created Vin Diesel using a welder and a 55 gallon drum, but left him bald so that he could not challenge their hairdo supremacy.

The Grand Canyon was created when Mr. T mourned the passing of Chuck Norris' mullet. Embarassed, Mr. T established the theory of erosion.

Thundering Herd Style

We are.....mullet wearers!

This Marshall (Huntington, WV) fan proudly sports his green and his mullet on a street corner near the stadium.

Maybe he was trying to channel the rugged blonde looks of Matthew McC, who somewhat recently spent time in Huntington filming that movie, you know. Maybe he confused "rugged" with "fluffy" and "Matty Mac" with "sanitation engineer."

I'm sure there is a Mountaineer Mullet somewhere in answer to the Marshall Mullet. The difference is, a Mountaineer Mullet will never be intentional. A Mountaineer Mullet is either going to be an ironic statement or a drunken mistake. Either way, a Marshall fan wouldn't get it.

"Keep it long in the back..."

It's always nice to find a salon that cuts your hair the way you like.

It's not so nice to put your stylist in the position of giving you a mullet.

The client is always right
vs.
Friends don't let friends wear mullets.

You decide.

Have It Your Way

Because it was spotted at a Burger King on Corridor G, the Have It Your Way's origin is indeterminate. ABM cannot pinpoint with any certainty its native county, but suspects Lincoln, Boone, Mingo or possibly even Putnam.

However, that's the beauty of the Have It Your Way. A Have It Your Way demonstrates clearly the boundless nature of mullet creativity. Our subject has chosen a length that requires excessive maintenance, probably with Dep sculpting gel, and has extended that product's usefulness to the feathered upper layer, providing great lift, both upward and extending out towards the back for serious mulletude.

Note: if Dep is not on sale at the Corridor G Wal*Mart, Burger King fry grease will do in a pinch to provide the requisite glossy sheen.

Power Fall, the Mullet of Strength

"If you had $10 and could only go to a convenience store, what would you buy?"

Ask your friends this question and you are likely to receive a modicum of personality insight.

Ask the Power Fall...and what do you think he might say?

(Our first shameless solicitation for comments - GO!)

While you are pondering the question, note the strong execution of the front half of the Power Fall, the clean lines, the way the length doesn't start until well behind the ears. The Power Fall is clearly ready to take care of any and all business...but make no mistake. That cascading length promises that the Power Fall plays just as hard as he works.

Have a penny, leave it. Need a penny, take it.

A Nontraditional Start - El Conquistador

One may look closely at this picture and wonder, "Where is the mullet? I was promised MULLETS and I want MULLETS dammit!"

To that we reply, quit hatin'. Simmer down. And look closely, so that you may see something truly glorious.

Exhibit A is better known as El Conquistador, or the mo-mullet.

This rare species was tagged recently in the South Charleston, WV area. Observe the way the strip of hair trickles gracefully down over the collar of the shirt. Observe also the serious mulletude, evidenced by the arms-akimbo stance, of this no-nonsense character. A find like this may only come once in a lifetime, and we here at ABM are grateful for our field photographer's keen powers of observation, even after a margarita or dos.

Geography

A visual aid to provide scope and perspective to this project.

Welcome!

Welcome one and all to Appalachia's Best Mullets! We here at ABM are excited to provide a tribute to the hairstyle that has transcended decades. Information will be forthcoming that will provide our viewers with the means to make their own submissions to our growing gallery.

Who are we? Located centrally somewhere in Appalachia, the creative forces behind ABM strive to provide the ultimate mullet experience, citing mullets from various locales. Maybe one will be your hometown....maybe our Mullet of the Month (MoM) will be YOU.

Note: we respect everyone's privacy. We will not accept photographic submissions containing first and last names, or other personal information. Please leave only first names and last initials, e.g. "Charlie M."

Thank you for stopping by and keep checking back for additions to the gallery, and to the Mullet Tales.

-ABM