Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Rocktober, Free-Fall, and our Triumphant Return

Appalachia's Best Mullets wishes to apologize for its long hiatus. We're back, and ready to finish out the rest of Rocktober with all new samples of the bitchinest mullets east of the Mississippi. We missed you too.

During our sabbatical, the economic downturn of the past few years turned into an all out free-fall. Hard times have befallen many of us, and lots of people are scratching their heads thinking, "How can I cut costs?" Often, professional hair care and expensive entertainment are the first items to be slashed from a family's budget. For our friends who do business up front and party in the back, these aren't sacrifices, they are a way of life. Can't afford an entire haircut? OK, then just have them take a little off the front. It has to be cheaper that way, right? Looking for cheap entertainment? Grab your camera and head to one of the huge number of fall festivals throughout Appalachia. Rather than become mired in depression about economic freefall, ponder instead what you can do for free this fall.

One intrepid on-site reporter frolicked at the Forest Festival in Elkins, WV recently. See for yourself what kind of good times can be had.

A Mullet for All Seasons
With his flexible wardrobe (including Jorts! Bonus!) and multi-length hair, accessorized by one bottled beverage and one bottle in which to reposit spittle from his smokeless tobacco, the Mullet for All Seasons is ready for anything...anything that could happen at the Forest Festival anyway.

a Twofer
These guys eat together, travel together, hunt together, and I bet anything they'll vote together for Sarah Palin.

The Mood Elevator
No seasonal affective disorder or economic woes for this gal! If hair that soars this close to Jesus doesn't elevate your spirits, at least the fumes from all that AquaNet will getcha a double-super-buzz. Amen sister and pass the pumpkin butter!

ahhhhh. It's good to be back.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

On the rare occasion that a muskrat embarks on the journey from riverbank to city street, it requires a nest in a shaded area into which it can retreat from urban dangers such as vehicles and barbers. This muskrat tends its nest on the shady side of Court Street, spotted despite its reticent nature and attempted camouflage. Dedicated hunters and casual observers alike know there is no mistaking the long, thick tail on that broad body. We were careful not to disturb it in capturing this photograph, as they are known to bite when cornered.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Mossy Bonsai

Cowabunga, Dude. Not since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has Asian culture been privy to this magnitude of bastardization:

OK, so maybe Hibachi isn't the pinnacle of Asian culture. Maybe a Mossy Oak camo hat is the perfect acoutrement for an evening of fine dining entertainment with friends...only in Appalachia I suppose. Or maybe this particular hair/hat combination embraces a sense of diversity and cultural fusion. This "party in the back" covers a strong, yet pale neck (soon to bloom red in the summer sun) like Spanish moss covers a southern magnolia tree. Like the mighty bonsai, it must be trimmed, trained, and constrained with the cap, so as to grow stronger.

How's that for your moment of Zen?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Myrtl-Let: A Mullet Vacation

Ah, the beach. The sun, the sand, the salty breezes...and the perfect beach haircut.
We had to research the proper genus and species for this one. Dano provided the following help:

Found primarily along the southeastern United States shoreline during winter months, the Myrtl-let is almost always found mated to a Gargantu-let, preens constantly in velour jump-suits, and will become belligerent and violent after cocktail-umbrella drinks.

This particular Myrtl-Let was sighted in Florida. Their migratory patterns depend largely on their state of origin; for example the West Virginia Myrtl-Let rarely, if ever, travels further south than the beach which gives the species its name. Strangely your northernmost Myrtl-Lets are the ones that typically end up in Florida.

The Myrtl-Let, like the very tides of the oceans, is ever-changing in texture, length, form, thickness, and overall mood. We like this combination of long bangs, long wisps in the back, with the utilitarian near-buzz cut in between. Fickle as the sand and salt spray, no beach vacation is complete without the Myrtl-Let.

Special thanks to JDF, Jr. for photo editing and to ABJ, who is in no way related to the Myrtl-Let, for the picture.

Oh, and if you were wondering? From our little test up there?

Take this test!
Taking it easy — that's how you prefer to handle whatever comes your way. Like a cool, blended rum runner, you like to keep a delicate balance between the sweet and sour things in life. Calm and collected, you're up for anything your friends throw your way, from joining a book club or taking an art class to trying every cocktail in your cookbook.

Bottom line — you're a laid-back soul who likes to stay connected with her friends and have a good time. Whenever the girls join forces — whether you're gabbing over pedicures or painting the town red — people count on you to hold the group together with your carefree and irresistible sense of fun. Stay cool!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Resolution

We've been away, and we hear we've been missed a little. Several holiday celebrations and a Fiesta Bowl trip later, we return to bring you The Resolution, or the Horizon E700.
Many of our friends are getting healthier in 2008. For D, this meant purchasing a Horizon Elliptical Machine, Model No. E700. Guess who sold it to him.
If D's New Year's resolution to shed some pounds is in any way as firm and infallible as The Resolution pictured above, he's going to end up quite svelte. Note the smooth, almost elliptical outline on the top and the precision with which the longer layers in the back just barely caress the trapezius muscles.
Thanks D and good luck to all you resolvers. We resolve to post more.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Heroes, Pt. II - The Matherson

Yes Cody, you can borrow a feelin' anytime you want. You can also borrow my blowdryer. Hell, if you crashed on my couch one Saturday night in an Old Milwaukee haze, I'd even find an old t-shirt to cut the sleeves off and send you home in.

Does anyone have this album? Anywhere?

Cody is another reason I wish heartily that VH1 still answered the obvious question with their show "Where Are They Now?"

We salute you and your mullet Cody, wherever you are.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

gone Krogering

If you can't read the yellow sign, the Kroger Plus price on popsicles was 2 boxes for $2.50. There are four (4) boxes in the grocery basket carried by the femmullet above. And off she went to gather up more bargains in the frozen foods section.